This article was written by Elena, Vancouver
“When you are a mother, you are never really alone in your thoughts. A mother always has to think twice, once for herself and once for her child.” ~Sophia Loren
I was born in 1972 in the city of Kherson, a city with a population of about 400 000 people in the South of Ukraine. By the age of 22 I had a son and about 80% of my classmates had started families too. Nowadays when people discover that I am only 36 and that my son is taller than me, they are amazed but that was really normal way of life for us - to have children so early. This situation is different in the bigger cities like Kiev and Odessa, but the tendency is there –
Ukrainian women start families about 10 years earlier than in Europe, North America, or Australia.
If you are dating a Ukrainian woman over 30, the chances are good that she has one or more children, who might be even be in their teens now. Dating a single parent differs a lot from dating a single person, and in the case of dating internationally it also has its pros and cons which you should be aware of.
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Pros
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Cons
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- Dating is serious for a single parent. No playing games, she just doesn’t even have time for this. She has a definite goal – she wants to find a man who will be a devoted and caring husband and a good father for her family.
- The first marriage taught a woman a very valuable lesson and she is less likely to repeat the mistakes she made again. Having a child makes a person more responsible and understanding of the other people’s needs so with a single mother you will also get understanding, compassion, and forgiveness which single people might lack.
- You have heard a lot about what great housewives and cooks Ukrainian women are. It comes with our genes but being a single parent also gives us lots and lots of practice in taking care of our families.
- Although it is stressful to move to another country, the good news is that children adapt quickly to the new environment. They make new friends, learn the new language fairly quickly (he or she will be speaking fluent English by the end of the first year) and if a child moves to the other country under the age of 12, they will soon be speaking English without any accent.
- When dating a single mom you are getting a whole package – the full family. Eventually you do not just get a beloved wife, you also get a son or a daughter who will adore you for all your life!
- Her child has dreamed his or her whole life of having a father. You will become the most important person in not just one but two peoples’ lives.
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- Ukrainian women are very devoted mothers and especially being a single parent they feel the pressure of not being perfect enough or giving everything she can to her child. She might be overwhelmed with every day work and her parental responsibilities – checking homework, taking a child to classes etc. That will ultimately mean that she would have less time for corresponding with you or meeting you because her child is still her first priority.
- A single parent definitely comes with a baggage of previous relationship bitterness. There is not much you can do about it except for being patient and understanding and just giving her time to cope with it, forgive and forget. The more time that has passed after the divorce, the better.
- When you decide to get married and take your fiancée to your country, taking her child might be a hassle as you will need permission of both parents for a child to leave Ukraine. She will either need to get permission from the birth father, or a court decision of parental rights or a death certificate. In every case our agency has been involved with, our ladies have always found a way, it just adds more work to the process.
- From my own experience, leaving the country is a huge stress for a child. A woman knows what she is doing – she is creating a full family in another place, but for a child – he has to leave his life - his grandparents and his friends to go to live in a faraway place. A child will need lots of your patience, understanding, and love to cope with this change.
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Dating a single mom is sensitive and delicate, I hope the following tips help you:
Be patient and understanding
You will need a lot of these when you date a single mom. She will want to be sure about your relationship before even considering introducing you to her children. It is not about you - she just wants to protect them in case things do not work out.
Do not assume she’s a desperate single mom.
BUT do assume she needs you to go slowly. Just be patient: do not rush. Let her take the lead. Show her you care about her feelings.
Never refer to her children in a negative manner
You can criticize everything: the government, your job, bills, but stay away from her kids, even if they drive you both crazy. Even, if she tells you about their mischief.
Do not give her parenting advice
That seems common sense, but you have to remember she knows better what is better for her child. Be aware especially if you do not have children yourself.
Do not force the meeting with her children
When she will be ready, you will meet with them.
Do not try to be a dad right away
Nobody expects this from you. Just be yourself and try to become friends with her children first.
Include the kids
If you are positive about your relationship and it is going well, you will definitely want time for you two. But try also to make plans to include children into your activities. You will make your woman the happiest when she sees her children happy with you.
Do not try to discipline the children
Discipline is necessary, but you do need to take your time and talk about it first with the mom, when children are not around.
Remind her that she's still attractive and sexy
Yes, she gained some weight; yes, she sometimes has to struggle to find time to beautify herself..
Give her sincere compliments as often as you feel them.
Do not assume your sex won’t be “intercourse interrupted.”
BUT do assume that the children -- hers or yours -- come first.
It can be a babysitter or mom, or sister. Her son or daughter has cut a finger, or some emergency can happen. Find a way to laugh at the situation together.
Be fair to the children
It sounds obvious but it is not always the case and there have been a few cases when families didn’t work out because the relationship with a new dad didn’t work. Keep your word, do what you promised. If the situation is vague, give a child the benefit of the doubt. When it comes to her kids, nearly every woman will be very protective of her children.
Dear gentlemen, we hope our advice will help you to develop a loving relationship with your woman, and also with her children.
We wish you all the very best in dating your single (for now) mom!