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“Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward in the same direction.”Antoine de Saint-Exupery
Nowadays it looks like the big or even a very big age difference between spouses does not surprise anybody. But is it common? Is it the one fashion everyone should follow? Of course looking at Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones or Celine Dion and her husband, Mel Gibson, Kevin Costner, Demi Moore and Ashton Cutcher, and other stars, some people think that it is great, they can do it too!
But consider for a moment what age difference would be right, to lead to a balanced and ultimately happy marriage? Scientists like sociologists and psychologists think that the age difference should be first of all comfortable; partners should be on the same page of life to satisfy, complete, fill each other with positive energy and bring out the best in each other.
Of course, every person has different levels of physical and psychological development. And sometimes this even changes with age. Since the men mature later than women, the traditional approach to age difference is for a man to be 10-20% older than a woman. But International dating, which brings up many cultural differences, changes this approach.
- Women in Ukraine start families far earlier in life – in their early or middle 20s, versus men in North America who do it in middle or late 30s.
- Western men usually take good care of themselves and look much younger than Ukrainian men of the same age.
- In many cases we see in our work Ukrainian women after the first marriage with same-age or lightly older Ukrainian men, being hurt by their irresponsibility and immaturity, who want to start a relationship with an older man who in her perception could take good care of their family.
This brings us to the following correction – with International marriages between Ukrainian women and Western men the balanced age difference shifts to 15-35%. In our long experience, this is where we see the happiest marriages of our couples that have been married for several years. Of course each couple is unique, but the common secret of happy couples is that both partners feel comfortable and equal. Their age difference does not bring any discomfort to their lives and does not make them to go athwart their interests, needs and physical abilities.
Why men enjoy a relationship with a younger wife:
- A younger wife affirms his virility
- Children born in this marriage bring back energy and zest for life
- Man returns his lost youth and gets energy from being with a younger person
- Man feel appreciated and valued for his care and thoughtfulness
Why women prefer to have an older husband:
- A more mature partner provides security, support, and guidance that she possibly lacked in her own family. Perhaps such a girl grew up without a father.
- A man who is older than his younger partner treats her with tenderness and reverence, unlike the men of her own age. He appreciates a woman’s beauty, he has good manners, he understands her need for attention and care, and he speaks the words she wants to hear. He listens to her, to make her wishes come true and to satisfy her needs.
- Sometimes her husband’s connections and support helps her career, she can receive a good education, the perspectives of growth and development. Maybe if she was married to a man of her age before, she would have been deprived of such possibilities. Such cooperation can help both in their professional growth. Because man will do all he can to become her star guide. And she will try to keep at the same level as him.
Sometimes I see other websites advertise that you can get acquainted and start families with the girls 20 - 40 years older than you. Although in our agency there are some girls in their early 20s who act very maturely for their age, I think they are more like an exception. Of course there are and there will be happy exceptions, but they will be exceptions. And if you want to enter a relationship with a lady who is 20+ younger than you, please use precautions. If you want a happy family in the long run, think of the fundamentals – similar outlook, respect and genuine care.
My aunt is now married for the third time and lives happily and in harmony with her third husband. He is from United Kingdom and 16 years her senior. Before she was married twice to men the same age as her and a few years older. But only now she is happy at last. She has found what she failed to find two times – appreciation, same life values and style, mutual respect. My aunt received support she lacked in previous marriages, so now she can develop her talents and succeed socially, and her husband received the care he lacked. I do no think there will be a problem with both of them growing old. She is 45 and he is 60, so it will not be visibly as if she was 25 and he was 45-50. They are both mature and learnt from previous mistakes and for them it is not so important to win a fight over who takes out the garbage today like it is often happens in life of young couples.
I have made an interesting research before writing this article and thought a lot about it, but I want to end this article with a thought that age difference does not matter in the case, when you both truly love one other and know in your heart that you are right for each other. The right relationship is warmed with true love, closeness, understanding and desire to make each other happy. Look first for that strong bond of shared interests and similar outlook on life and we recommend, as a start point for your search, to try the age difference we mentioned above.
Your happiness is waiting for you. Take it!